Thoughts Before Forgotten

It has been a long time since I have written anything down on paper, but lately my thoughts have been a constant cyclone in my head, swirling about without any relief. I remembered vaguely how therapeutic writing is for me, or used to be, and here I am again. I do not plan for this to make sense, at this point all that matters is that I get it out somehow.

I was thinking just now that I wonder if I am wrong about the world. If my difference in beliefs and views is wrong and incorrect. Of course, people will say we all have the right to feel what we feel, to have our opinions. But how true is that? Honestly. My friend Jacq and I talk about this all the time and I find comfort in our conversations, because finally I have a person in my life who, like me, is not quick to accept any opinion as fact- or a way of life as truth. We both take the time to analyze and design our own paths that best suits our worlds. She and I have discussed relationships, love, marriage, the idea of having children. About these things I have found:

I want to fall in love someday. I mean really fall in love. I see how that sounds silly, naïve even, but it’s the truth. I want to meet a man who sweeps me off my feet and I am completely, overwhelmingly in love with him. On the other side, that scares me at times because I have been single for six years. Granted, I have gone on “dates”, I have met men, kissed men, even had sex…but the occurrences were so empty, so unfulfilling I found that I wished they had never even happened. To go from a place of not feeling much for someone, to feeling everything sounds scary. But it’s what I want. I have been heartbroken before, years ago. The first time I was 17, the second and last time I was 19. Everything else was either too casual to be upset about, or simply a passing learning experience.

I will be 25 in a few months and I can’t help but laugh at myself sometimes, thinking that when I was in 8th grade I thought I had my life figured out. I had everything mapped out, or so it seemed. The older I got, the more my plans changed. I used to want 3-4 children. Now, for those who really know me, can’t believe it. Because now, I do not want any. And I mean ever. Yes, I have my reasons, but what it comes down to is… I just don’t need children in my life. Oddly enough kids like me, they are drawn to me…they smile at me all the time or want to talk to me. I remember one day in 8th grade I was riding the city bus to school and there was this beautiful little girl sitting in front of me. She would glance at me and slide down her seat and then pop back up- like toast in a toaster. Before I knew it, we were playing this little game she came up with. I couldn’t help but be amused and even a little amazed that she wanted to play with me, when I could’ve been an axe murderer. So yes, I can get along with them, but I simply choose to not have them.

Sometimes people ask me how can I expect to fall in love, get married, and not have children. Well, don’t people do this all the time? It is my hope that I will meet someone who will be honest with me about what he does and does not want, will put everything on the table and not try to change me once he has me- the classic Oh She Will Change Her Mind Later complex. No, maybe I won’t, and I will not apologize for that. It does not matter to me if I would make a great mother or not, have beautiful babies or not, whether the “family name” gets passed on or not- I simply just do not want to.

I think, as a child, why I wanted to was because it seemed that’s what people did. They met, got married, and had children. As I got older I realized while I wanted to fall in love and have experiences, I wanted to have rich, soul moving experiences. I wanted to travel, I wanted to write, I wanted to take pictures, and I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to fall in love and make someone incredibly happy. I wanted someone who would take it upon himself to make me feel the same way too, and just when I thought I couldn’t be any happier- he’d prove me wrong again. I glanced in my mind at the idea of children and realized I didn’t need that and I didn’t want it, so I gently shut that door and moved on to the other aspirations of my life.

I went to college for a little while and realized that my life felt too easy, too simple. A bit on the spontaneous side, I joined the military. It will be five years in December and while the Air Force has not been entirely horrible, I am not in love with it either and I know that soon I will need to move on. It no longer matters to me if that makes sense to other people or not. It is not their decision, it is not their life- it is mine. I’ve always believed that life is short, and I am determined to make the most of mine and fulfill my purpose- whatever it may be.

I told my friend Jacq that when I joined the military I had this very idealistic view of it, as I do with most things in life. In my mind the AF was this immaculate, glimmering, shining idea. I thought I would be surrounded by like-minded people- people who worked hard, were ambitious, intelligent, independent, and wanted to make a difference. However, instead, I was surrounded by people who were immature, flaky, two-faced, and selfish. Now, the former- the positive traits I mentioned, yes that is in the military. However, it is so hard to find. When I expressed this to Jacq all she could do was nod sympathetically, understanding my frustration, and understanding my lack of preparation to face the chance of being wrong. People like that I am happy-go-lucky, sweet, and positive. But it is in the moments of clarity that I have, like with the military, and I realize what is real and what is actually in my head…I hate it. I wish I could be more realistic about things, but at the same time I am not entirely sure how to change my viewpoint and turn it off.

Then, ironically, when I am “realistic” people act like my views are too good to be true or don’t make sense. For instance, “bros before hoes”. I told Jacq I couldn’t understand that philosophy because what does one man’s ex have to do with anything in the big picture? I had a male friend, Chris, try to explain it to me and it just sounded, for lack of a better word, dumb. I get it, but I don’t get it.

Trying to make a point, Chris said, “Okay, Liz. If you dated someone, broke up, and one of your female friends wanted to date him you would be okay with that?”

And I said, “Yes.”

“Really? The same guy you had been with, kissed, had been intimate with, and now the things he did with you he was going to do with your friend?”

I almost started laughing. “Chris, listen,” I said. “When I date whoever, when I care for whoever, that is between us. If we break up, it’s over- and probably for a reason. We had our moment, we had our chance, and it’s over. Who am I to tell someone who they can and can’t date? Who they can and can’t love? He doesn’t belong to me, and if he can be happy, even with my friend, I can’t do anything about that.”

“But it’s the principle,” he said.

I rolled my eyes. “No. That’s not a principle. It’s stupid and immature. It would be different if he and I were together, and my girlfriend was trying to flirt with him. That’s wrong. But if we aren’t together, I don’t have a right to be upset. He’s been with other women before me, but I should be upset just because the next woman happens to be my friend?”

“Well, maybe you’re different, but it’s just not recommended for people to do,” he grumbled.

And alas my point. When I take on a more realistic view, a logical view, and pick and choose what is worth getting upset over, and what needs to be let go of…I’m “different”. Here is the thing:

I live my life the way I do because I want to be happy, at peace, and have a life with as little to no drama as humanly possible. Because of that, I sift and filter through what is worth being angry about and what is society’s bullshit on a platter (excuse my language).

Once I do that, so much becomes a lot simpler.  I mean, a lot.  There’s a reason I only have a few friends.  And when I say “a few” I literally mean I can count them on one hand and still not use all five fingers.  I have found that being honest and doing the right thing is the best thing I can do for myself.  I sleep easily at night and wake up the next day knowing I don’t have any secrets to hide, cover up, or anything to be ashamed of.  I can be me, open, and happy.  There are so many people in the world who are cynics and negative- and while everyone has a bad day, I feel fortunate to not be on that side of the spectrum.

While I am thankful, I sometimes cannot help but question it.  Why am I the way that I am when so many people are not?  Why do I have to be “different” when other people received the memo on how to “fit in”?  I am not complaining. I have been like this my whole life.  I was the kid who stared out the window daydreaming, thinking of the world as a playground and imagining the endless possibilities.  I always wanted to be surrounded by knowledge, wisdom, and positivity.  I was fascinated by the simple things in life, and I still am.  I find that laughter has color, ice cream can make my toes curl, and loving a person who loves you back is simply a gift and an honor that so many people take for granted.

So yes perhaps I am different, a bit of a hippy and at times the logical, wise Healer. It took me years to realize I was made this way for a reason.  While I may not be easily understood, that’s okay.  I am still liked and respected. I do not know everything, or try to, so naturally I do not know why I am the way I am…why I was built this way because it goes beyond something I feel that I can control. It is just me.  Whether I learn if I am wrong about the world or not, will be sorely disappointed or not… I do not know. All I know is that I want to make the most of my time here and I want to be happy, bold, and courageous.

I want to live.