So I have met different men
Some of them my enemy and some of them my friend
But many lessons were learned in the end
I have never been loved is what I realized then.
Oh sure I have heard the words
For they are easy to speak
I have been given gifts that seemed more like charity
And I have been kissed, held, and caressed
But how does that prove love at its sacred best?
These men who said and did these things are not bad people
They are good in their own way, but...not quite my equal.
No, for I was always held in a place I did not want to be
I was on a pedestal and redeemed as "unique"
Maybe all I wanted was to be seen just for me...
Maybe I want a man who can stand beside me.
I never did think much about this, but I do now
I think about what would make a man stand out from the crowd
So that I am drawn in and know that he is for real
And it will be safe for me to feel what I feel
I have felt many things from past relationships
I have experienced many emotions, but I am tired of it
I am tired of the games, the lies, the immaturity
Maybe I want a man who can truly lead
Maybe I want so many different things
Maybe I want to be in love in the true and whole sense
Maybe I want to love and forget the consequence
Maybe I want to feel all there is feel
Maybe I want something that doesn't seem real...
Maybe I want...oh, I don't know...
Something that shakes me to my core
Maybe I want that type of love people spend their whole life
Searching and waiting for
Maybe I want something that does not exist...
Maybe...but I cannot stop longing for this
Maybe I want to be with someone who makes me laugh
Maybe I want someone who will hold me when I feel sad
Maybe I want someone who shows that they care
Maybe I want someone who I know will always be there.
Maybe I want someone who is open and lets me in their world
Maybe I want a man who wants the woman, and not the little girl
Maybe I want the reflection of me
The same spirit and kindness that is plain to see
Maybe I want to grow and be able to share myself
Maybe I want to meet a man who makes me not want anyone else
Maybe I want love that is patient, kind, and true
Maybe I want the love that says, "I am glad I found you."
Maybe I want to feel connected
Maybe I want to be in love where I cannot second guess it
Maybe I want to see only the future, he and I...
Maybe I want to hold him and tell my past, "Good-bye".
Maybe I want the man who fights to have me
The same man who always fights to keep me
Maybe I want a man who would be honored to be with me
Maybe I want a man who would feel hollow if he lost me...
Maybe I want a man who will love me forever and ever
And ever and ever
And ever promise
To never
Let the feeling fade...
Maybe I want a man who will cherish me most, and not let us slip away...
Maybe I want the unthinkable dream...
Maybe I want something that makes me demanding...
But, it is not what it seems
Maybe I just want what I need.
Maybe I want to be wanted by somebody
Maybe I want to be loved by somebody.
Maybe I want someone to knock me off my feet
Maybe I want someone who inspires me.
Maybe I want someone who brings out my best
Maybe I want...to finally be impressed.Maybe I am tired of always being wrong
Maybe I want the right man to finally come along
Maybe I want to give all that I have to give
Maybe I want to promise to love and never lie, mislead, or deceive
Maybe, just maybe...I want a man to love me.
~ede
2-27-2009
So, it may be a little overdue in writing this but I have been either too tired or lazy to take the time and share. The events I am about to write about have happened this past Monday, February 16, 2009---all in one day. Please keep that in mind, it all happened on the same day.
Before I start, either Saturday or Sunday (the 14th or 15th) I contacted one of my exs. Usually I do so, it is not abnormal for me. I feel that just because a relationship ends does not mean an ex cannot be a friend. Since none of my exs were horrible people (though one was horribly confused and impossible to be around), I don't see why not. So, typically, once I break up with someone and after time passes I may contact them just to see how things are going. The only person I am unsure that will happen with is my most recent ex, but you never know. So before Monday occurs, I am reconnected with an ex. And before my ex I am reconnected with an old friend a week or two before who I haven't talked to in a little over a year.
On Monday, I believe that the theme was "who ever I once knew or was connected to at one point came back into my life all at once". And I do not know why. I did not ask for this, pray for this, hope it would happen. It just did. Monday morning, I woke up and felt fantastic for the day. I go to work like usual, help customers, make people smile, it's a normal day. The first person who walks into my job is an old friend I used to talk to named Arjang who is from Iran. We haven't talked in months. So to see him and his mother caught me a little off guard, but it was nice to see him regardless. A couple of hours pass and the second person who walks into my job, who I was not expecting was my birth father. He and I have not seen one another for 5 years, but the moment I saw him I knew it was him because he did not look that much any different. His presence shook me up and I felt like my knees would buckle under me. It was scary to me how much we looked alike. All at once, everyone seemed to fade out, and my mind began to ask a thousand questions as to how he found me, why he was there, what did he want, what do I say, and so on.
I did ask him why he was there, but he never told me. As to how he found me...I am still a bit unsure. However, this past Christmas, a few days after I had called him---only to tell him that I forgave him for everything and that I was alright. I didn't want him to think that just because we were not talking I hated him or had bitter feelings, because I did not. Even then he tried to get me to see him and I told him it was a bad idea. It was meant to be a phone call, nothing more. So during our conversations as we talked he asked me what I was doing with my life, and I told him where I worked, but I don't know if my job is the only location in my town or not.
Anyway, I take his order, and he leaves, but not before he says, "You're very kind. Thank you."---which I did not quite understand. So, the day has gotten to me enough as it is and when I go home I am more than ready to relax. But, once I get there an ex from my past contacts me, an ex who...I was shocked I would hear from because I thought for sure he would never want to speak to me again---on something I had done in the past. Well, we talk and before I know it he is taking the blame for things, apologizing, saying how he never forgot me, and then confesses his love to me. The whole time I am hardly breathing, my mouth is hanging open, and I am trying to make sense of everything.
Even though I had moved on with my life, gotten over my mistakes and his anguish because of something I had done, I had moved on believing this man hated me. Believing that he wanted nothing to do with me, would never want anything to do with me again, and that our lives would part and we would never cross paths. I never knew I could be so wrong, because here he was, on the phone spilling his guts out about how much he adored me, loved me, how sorry he was that he did not take the time to understand, and so on. How do you respond to that? In the end, we agree to talk every so often and be friends, but it was still so WEIRD.
After that happens, when I think EVERYTHING is over and my day can finally be normal, I get online, go to Facebook to see that an old best friend from high school has contacted me! Okay, so I am at the point where I am almost through. When I saw my birth father, in my mind it was like a storybook moment. When my ex contacted me it was more like a soap opera. After that...I was waiting for the Twilight Zone music to play, or for the cameras to come out and someone say, "Liz, you have just been punkd!" I mean, seriously, who does all this stuff happen to in ONE day?
So now, I am left to ponder and ask myself: Why?
I did not reach out to these people---except for the one ex who I feel right now it is okay to try and be friends with and my other friend. But my father, my ex who said that he loves me, my old hs best friend...why are they here? I talked to a friend about it and he say that maybe this is a sign that I need these people or that they need me, or it is nature's way telling me that I need closure and I am not over my past. Or, he said, maybe it is just life's way of giving me something different to spice up my life.
My mom said it may be all of that, but why are these people coming back? In regards to my father, she said maybe he feels guilt that he lost me, a good daughter. In regards to my old best friend, maybe she feels guilt that she lost a good friend. Maybe my ex, I don't know. He pretty much spelled it out that he regretted letting me go and not working things out, even if it was something I brought on. My other ex, the one I am friends with, my mom thought that maybe I inspired him to change and be better---which he said was true.
What does a person call this?
Fate, destiny, divine intervention (and if so, from what?)? A friend of mine said it was deja vu, but that is incorrect. Deja vu, by definition, is basically experiencing the similarity of a situation that feels familiar even though it is taking place for the first time, the illusion of having previously experienced something. I did not feel that "hm, I think I've been here before" feeling, because I had not (this situation was entirely new to me). I felt this, "what the hell is going on?" feeling, because I knew, for me it was so unexpected.
Even still, I don't know. I don't think it's coincidence. I've always believed if something happens, it's for a reason. I may not know what reason at the time, but I end up learning or figuring it out later on. Monday was just too weird and too strange for these occurrences to be a coincidence. I talked to my College Mentor about it, and he does not know what to say. All he said was that these were deep and intense relationships that were reappearing again in my life, which is true. He said he has a friend named Alex, who is also a College Mentor, and she is a very spiritual person who believes in the stars and that invisible hands are always moving things...divine forces...which excited me.
In the end, later this week all three of us are going to talk about this and see what it may mean and I will be sure to post a blog about that as well. I know it will make a great conversation.
I think what has happened is interesting, strange, but interesting none the less. I just want to know how other people see this. I don't want to read too much into it or seem crazy, but I truly believe this all happened for a reason, and I am treading carefully...I just want to know what it all means.
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