So…people have been asking me how it feels to be 20 and I swear if someone does it again I am going to scream. It really boggles my mind how people seem to fail to realize that age is simply a label and for me…it isn’t something that I can necessarily “feel”. I still feel like myself but I know that I am different from the person I was a week ago, and of course since when I was 19 or 18 and so on. But, since people have been asking so much I figured I would make an entry and try to explain how I do feel now and how my Birthday went.
For starters, I am not very shy in saying that I truly was not looking forward to my Bday. No, my age had nothing to do with it, I am proud to be 20 and I am proud to live my life and see another day. Even when I am 50 I won’t hesitate in telling people my age because I know not everyone lives to be that old, and growing old is something I look forward to. I think it’s a moment in a person’s life that should happen gracefully and it’s a time of distinction. It should be celebrated, not feared. Anyway, the reason I didn’t look forward to my Bday was because for the past couple of weeks prior to it I had felt like things were changing, and changing rather fast. The way I imagined myself turning 20 was completely not what I expected when I was 18.
I don’t know…back then I thought I would be a normal college student trying to engrave my name in the world, living on campus and having the independent single life I wanted to have. And yet, here I am…20 years old and about to leave home in December and be on my own in the military. Lol, I think it is safe to say that until I made my choice about the Air Force a few months ago I never saw it coming. And it’s not just the military…there was someone in my life who I held incredibly close to my heart that I thought would be around and they are not, which…is heartbreaking, and yeah I was a little sad (okay maybe more than a little lol), but I still had a good birthday.
It’s just…like I said: Change. Well, changes, and it felt like everything was happening so fast.
I still wonder about school and what I should major in. It’s something that stressed me out until I spoke with my parents about it last night, because I didn’t want to leave home, join the military, and not go to school. In short I didn’t want them to think I was being lazy or a slacker. But the thing is that…when I took the time to think about my life and how I wanted to live, yes school is important to me and it always will be, but…I couldn’t help but feel that all I wanted to do in my life right now is work and just indulge in things that I find interesting and fascinating. And when I thought about things in that way I honestly felt bad.
The thing is that, I have many gifts and talents. Most of the things I am capable of doing I was never taught or told how to do, I could just do it. I was never taught how to write stories or poems. I was never taught how to draw cartoons, portraits, and the human anatomy; or how to take pictures. I was taught how to paint, how to play the flute, how to play basketball, and the fact that my brain can handle all of this and still desire to learn more scares me at times.
In 8th grade teachers said that I was a “Renaissance woman” which…at the time I found to be a great compliment but as I got older, I began to worry how I would find a place for myself in the world. I was used to being misunderstood, called “different”, but I wasn’t exactly used to feeling exactly that way…different and that maybe I was out of place in the world. I began to feel that I should be like a lot of people and focus on one thing and just do one thing and stick with one thing.
It wasn’t until I thought that way when I truly felt the walls closing in on me. In my mind I see the world and life as this endless course of possibilities and experiences and I want to see it all, learn as much as I can about everything, and just…live. I’ve never been in a box my entire life and even now I can’t quite understand why I tried to force myself into one. I guess because I was scared I didn’t or couldn’t find a place to belong. But, after talking to my parents the only thing I want to do is be me. I find it incredibly foreign to be anything else but what I am, and I shouldn’t have to be.
Yes, my birthday was full of sweets and ice cream and dinner, but there were many more meaningful moments. My mother made a toast to me, just the two of us at 8:44 PM (the time I was born 20 years ago) and said how proud she was of me and that she loved me. That moment was very touching and I’ll always remember it. Then she went into telling me that she had to fight to keep me, because three or four times she had to go to the hospital because I was almost delivered too early and I would’ve died if I was. So, I guess even before I was born I had an enthusiasm for life lol. And over dinner with my parents my dad made a toast to me as well, and when it was my turn to speak I told them everything I just typed above. My worries, my fears, my sadness over losing a friend…my feelings of not finding my place to belong…
And when I told them how, for right now, I didn’t want to go directly into school but just explore life and the world, I wasn’t quite sure how they would respond.
The beauty about my parents is that they have never tried to control me or my life, nor have they ever put too many demands on me; or try to make me live how they wanted me to. I haven’t grown up with too much pressure from my parents or expectations that are impossible to reach. The most pressure I’ve ever felt or come to know has been from me. My parents have always been loving and understanding, and patient.
So when I told them about school, I was so nervous I almost started laughing when they said that if that was how I felt then that was okay. And they began to point out that it was hard to think of their daughter being lazy when I had gone to college before and was now leaving home to take on a dutiful job assigned to me by the United States Air Force. Then they said that my military job could be my career, if I wanted for it to be---and I honestly never saw things like that.
They said that they understood I wanted to be in school and I wanted to get a degree, but... if I wanted to take time off from that, it was more than okay and understandable. They both agreed that I was heading toward a mutual goal shared by most of my peers, but I was taking my own path to achieve it. They also believe that it is adult students who make the best students, which again I didn’t really consider. Basically in the end they told me to live my life and when I was ready to go back to school, once I decided on a major and what I wanted, to do it.
Go for it, they said.
It was such…a huge weight lifted from my shoulders to hear them say that to me and to know that they genuinely meant it. It helped me see things more clearly and come to a realization that even if my life isn’t straight and narrow (when life rarely ever is), I am still on the right path, or at least heading in the right direction. When I tell people my deepest fear is that I won’t find my purpose or do what I am meant to do in life, I mean it. Even my parents had a response to that! Lol, that if I am meant to do something then I will.
As far as my diverse interests that cross the board in art such as drawing, painting, writing, photography, the flute, and a new desire to study the piano among many other things…my parents simply said I’m in a position where I can explore and see what I like and there is nothing wrong with that. In my mind I thought there was because I was worried about trying so many things that I would miss out on the thing that I am meant to do. Now I can’t help but wonder if my parents are right…that whatever it is I am meant to do, if I don’t find it then it will find me and I will be able to do it.
They have told me countless times to not try to live my life in one day. I can’t count the number of times my mom has told me: Elizabeth, stop riding your own ass. Lol, gee thanks mom :P…but I know she’s right. Like I said before, the pressure that I deal with the most is the pressure that I put upon myself. I know that everything isn’t perfect and just because I try so hard doesn’t guarantee that what I want to happen will happen…but still, doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t try. Just means that I need to take it a step at a time, a day at a time and be patient. I need to be patient especially with myself.
So…when I think of what people have asked me as far as how I feel to be 20 years old I honestly haven’t been given much time to think about it. It’s only day 2 (technically day 1 depending on your perspective) lol…but, as of now I feel like I want to explore, that I am ready to explore. I feel like even though I know myself pretty well right now, perhaps even better than most people know themselves who are my age or were once my age, I have so much more growing and maturing to do. I think the best way to put it is that…I’m still adjusting to my own skin and constantly discovering new layers that I was not even aware existed.
Being me and being human I think is largely about growth and acceptance, not just of others but yourself. I am still learning how to do that. I am still learning how to grow and accept myself and appreciate what all I have to offer and what journey my life has taken thus far. I’m starting to see more clearly that I should not be afraid of doing what I feel is right for me or care about how other people may feel or what they might say. There’s something that my mother always told me that…when she first said it I started laughing because I didn’t think she knew how to cuss (but I was clearly mistaken lol) and what she said was:
“Elizabeth. I am going to tell you something that I learned years ago…Life is too short for the bullshit.”
And the thing is…I agree lol. But, it’s something that I am starting to better understand. When people say “life is short”, I understand that, much better than I did when I was 16 or 17. In my eyes, life is too short for hurt, pain, regrets, lies, drama, the concerns of what other people may think…but at the same time it is long enough to express joy, laughter, love, yourself and the things that are good and make life worth experiencing.
So, as of right now standing in the doorway of 20, looking down the hall towards 21…all I feel right now is that I want to be me. I want to learn, I want to grow. I want to live. Standing here now and thinking of my life in the past, I know that there isn’t any other place I’d rather be. I wouldn’t change anything.
Besides, I can't help but wonder where and who I would be if I did.
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