Thoughts Before Forgotten

It has been a long time since I have written anything down on paper, but lately my thoughts have been a constant cyclone in my head, swirling about without any relief. I remembered vaguely how therapeutic writing is for me, or used to be, and here I am again. I do not plan for this to make sense, at this point all that matters is that I get it out somehow.

I was thinking just now that I wonder if I am wrong about the world. If my difference in beliefs and views is wrong and incorrect. Of course, people will say we all have the right to feel what we feel, to have our opinions. But how true is that? Honestly. My friend Jacq and I talk about this all the time and I find comfort in our conversations, because finally I have a person in my life who, like me, is not quick to accept any opinion as fact- or a way of life as truth. We both take the time to analyze and design our own paths that best suits our worlds. She and I have discussed relationships, love, marriage, the idea of having children. About these things I have found:

I want to fall in love someday. I mean really fall in love. I see how that sounds silly, naïve even, but it’s the truth. I want to meet a man who sweeps me off my feet and I am completely, overwhelmingly in love with him. On the other side, that scares me at times because I have been single for six years. Granted, I have gone on “dates”, I have met men, kissed men, even had sex…but the occurrences were so empty, so unfulfilling I found that I wished they had never even happened. To go from a place of not feeling much for someone, to feeling everything sounds scary. But it’s what I want. I have been heartbroken before, years ago. The first time I was 17, the second and last time I was 19. Everything else was either too casual to be upset about, or simply a passing learning experience.

I will be 25 in a few months and I can’t help but laugh at myself sometimes, thinking that when I was in 8th grade I thought I had my life figured out. I had everything mapped out, or so it seemed. The older I got, the more my plans changed. I used to want 3-4 children. Now, for those who really know me, can’t believe it. Because now, I do not want any. And I mean ever. Yes, I have my reasons, but what it comes down to is… I just don’t need children in my life. Oddly enough kids like me, they are drawn to me…they smile at me all the time or want to talk to me. I remember one day in 8th grade I was riding the city bus to school and there was this beautiful little girl sitting in front of me. She would glance at me and slide down her seat and then pop back up- like toast in a toaster. Before I knew it, we were playing this little game she came up with. I couldn’t help but be amused and even a little amazed that she wanted to play with me, when I could’ve been an axe murderer. So yes, I can get along with them, but I simply choose to not have them.

Sometimes people ask me how can I expect to fall in love, get married, and not have children. Well, don’t people do this all the time? It is my hope that I will meet someone who will be honest with me about what he does and does not want, will put everything on the table and not try to change me once he has me- the classic Oh She Will Change Her Mind Later complex. No, maybe I won’t, and I will not apologize for that. It does not matter to me if I would make a great mother or not, have beautiful babies or not, whether the “family name” gets passed on or not- I simply just do not want to.

I think, as a child, why I wanted to was because it seemed that’s what people did. They met, got married, and had children. As I got older I realized while I wanted to fall in love and have experiences, I wanted to have rich, soul moving experiences. I wanted to travel, I wanted to write, I wanted to take pictures, and I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to fall in love and make someone incredibly happy. I wanted someone who would take it upon himself to make me feel the same way too, and just when I thought I couldn’t be any happier- he’d prove me wrong again. I glanced in my mind at the idea of children and realized I didn’t need that and I didn’t want it, so I gently shut that door and moved on to the other aspirations of my life.

I went to college for a little while and realized that my life felt too easy, too simple. A bit on the spontaneous side, I joined the military. It will be five years in December and while the Air Force has not been entirely horrible, I am not in love with it either and I know that soon I will need to move on. It no longer matters to me if that makes sense to other people or not. It is not their decision, it is not their life- it is mine. I’ve always believed that life is short, and I am determined to make the most of mine and fulfill my purpose- whatever it may be.

I told my friend Jacq that when I joined the military I had this very idealistic view of it, as I do with most things in life. In my mind the AF was this immaculate, glimmering, shining idea. I thought I would be surrounded by like-minded people- people who worked hard, were ambitious, intelligent, independent, and wanted to make a difference. However, instead, I was surrounded by people who were immature, flaky, two-faced, and selfish. Now, the former- the positive traits I mentioned, yes that is in the military. However, it is so hard to find. When I expressed this to Jacq all she could do was nod sympathetically, understanding my frustration, and understanding my lack of preparation to face the chance of being wrong. People like that I am happy-go-lucky, sweet, and positive. But it is in the moments of clarity that I have, like with the military, and I realize what is real and what is actually in my head…I hate it. I wish I could be more realistic about things, but at the same time I am not entirely sure how to change my viewpoint and turn it off.

Then, ironically, when I am “realistic” people act like my views are too good to be true or don’t make sense. For instance, “bros before hoes”. I told Jacq I couldn’t understand that philosophy because what does one man’s ex have to do with anything in the big picture? I had a male friend, Chris, try to explain it to me and it just sounded, for lack of a better word, dumb. I get it, but I don’t get it.

Trying to make a point, Chris said, “Okay, Liz. If you dated someone, broke up, and one of your female friends wanted to date him you would be okay with that?”

And I said, “Yes.”

“Really? The same guy you had been with, kissed, had been intimate with, and now the things he did with you he was going to do with your friend?”

I almost started laughing. “Chris, listen,” I said. “When I date whoever, when I care for whoever, that is between us. If we break up, it’s over- and probably for a reason. We had our moment, we had our chance, and it’s over. Who am I to tell someone who they can and can’t date? Who they can and can’t love? He doesn’t belong to me, and if he can be happy, even with my friend, I can’t do anything about that.”

“But it’s the principle,” he said.

I rolled my eyes. “No. That’s not a principle. It’s stupid and immature. It would be different if he and I were together, and my girlfriend was trying to flirt with him. That’s wrong. But if we aren’t together, I don’t have a right to be upset. He’s been with other women before me, but I should be upset just because the next woman happens to be my friend?”

“Well, maybe you’re different, but it’s just not recommended for people to do,” he grumbled.

And alas my point. When I take on a more realistic view, a logical view, and pick and choose what is worth getting upset over, and what needs to be let go of…I’m “different”. Here is the thing:

I live my life the way I do because I want to be happy, at peace, and have a life with as little to no drama as humanly possible. Because of that, I sift and filter through what is worth being angry about and what is society’s bullshit on a platter (excuse my language).

Once I do that, so much becomes a lot simpler.  I mean, a lot.  There’s a reason I only have a few friends.  And when I say “a few” I literally mean I can count them on one hand and still not use all five fingers.  I have found that being honest and doing the right thing is the best thing I can do for myself.  I sleep easily at night and wake up the next day knowing I don’t have any secrets to hide, cover up, or anything to be ashamed of.  I can be me, open, and happy.  There are so many people in the world who are cynics and negative- and while everyone has a bad day, I feel fortunate to not be on that side of the spectrum.

While I am thankful, I sometimes cannot help but question it.  Why am I the way that I am when so many people are not?  Why do I have to be “different” when other people received the memo on how to “fit in”?  I am not complaining. I have been like this my whole life.  I was the kid who stared out the window daydreaming, thinking of the world as a playground and imagining the endless possibilities.  I always wanted to be surrounded by knowledge, wisdom, and positivity.  I was fascinated by the simple things in life, and I still am.  I find that laughter has color, ice cream can make my toes curl, and loving a person who loves you back is simply a gift and an honor that so many people take for granted.

So yes perhaps I am different, a bit of a hippy and at times the logical, wise Healer. It took me years to realize I was made this way for a reason.  While I may not be easily understood, that’s okay.  I am still liked and respected. I do not know everything, or try to, so naturally I do not know why I am the way I am…why I was built this way because it goes beyond something I feel that I can control. It is just me.  Whether I learn if I am wrong about the world or not, will be sorely disappointed or not… I do not know. All I know is that I want to make the most of my time here and I want to be happy, bold, and courageous.

I want to live.

Your Best Moment

So...tonight, just recently I had a friend ask me if it would be possible for me to draw a picture of my best moment---either something that has already happened to me, or something that I would like to happen, as in my "ideal" best moment. It was one of those conversations where I did my famous thoughtful expression, eyebrows bunched and my head titled to the side as if I'm literally trying to find a way to weigh and balance a new thought. I found myself withdrawing, traveling backwards and deep inside of myself. Closing a curtain to the outside world so that I could focus on what was inside and gaze at memories and different ideas.

Hmm...what WAS my best moment?

Or at least a best moment? My friend told me that his best moment, at least during the time his teacher gave him and his class this assignment during school years ago, was when he scored a touchdown for the first time. He didn't know he scored until he looked into the stands and saw everyone cheering for him, and he felt this sense of shock and amazement over something he had done. I could, and still can, understand that.

It made me think of when I started drawing again after a year's break when I was in 8th grade. I wanted to try something new and instead of using colored pencils, I simply used pencil and paper and drew a picture. What began as a mere image, a small experimentation became what would be my "style" and a huge breakthrough for me as an artist. The same amazement my friend felt over a touchdown, I felt after one picture was created. It was more beautiful than I thought it would look, and no I am not conceited but I almost couldn't believe I had made it. Yet, I did.

However...I am not quite sure if that is my "best" moment. I am still contemplating it. I think that as people, we all have moments in our lives that are great, even if they are small...and I think for myself, personally, I can be so critical of myself at times I forget them. There were moments where I was honest when I could have lied and I know those were best moments...moments where I helped someone with pure intentions and not for the sake of wanting to be rewarded, or expecting it....and when I did consider my moments where I was awarded something for high grades, art, or writing, those strangely did not seem to suffice for me.

Anyone can earn an award. To me at least. An award, a piece of paper, a medal, is so small. Almost trivial in my mind, though I understand the meaning of them and what they represent. I don't think my times of recognition or having an award given to me is a "best" moment---though when I think of those times, I think of the people who were the ones handing me the award...my 7th grade History teacher who knew of my potential and encouraged me, my 8th grade English teacher who believed in me, my high school Art teacher who believed I was talented and didn't want to see me give up art (my art mentor is included in this), and there were awards for music and basketball...and the day I received my White Rope here on base and the person who gave it to me (Simona).

Thinking about those things allowed me to see that I did have great moments, and I was able to understand what mattered to me. While awards were nice, it was the people that were there that made each and every moment special.

Once I thought about that, I entered another room of my mind to think about the other part of the question. What about the future? What would I ideally want my "great" moment to be in the future? There are many things that I would like a great moment to be in the future, and again a lot of things that people seem to care about...well, I don't. I didn't picture a large house, fancy car, money raining from the sky all year around...

For a moment, I almost couldn't picture anything. How am I to know what the future will bring? Or what I will want and when my desires will change and shift? The thing is that I don't...

Which is why it is "ideal", Liz. Duh.

So, haha, with that being said I thought some more about it. Hmm. I think an ideal great moment, for me, would be becoming a professional artist/animator/writer. Just...doing what I truly enjoy and love. And if I should go a step further, doing what I feel I was born and designed to do. I remember feeling ever since I was...8 or 9 that I had this purpose in life, that everyone had a purpose and we weren't here to waste time in life, but to live it. As I grew older I began to realize that a lot of people had no idea what that meant or even thought about it, or about the same things I did. Over time, I felt this threatening fear of not finding my purpose in this world.

At one point it got so bad I vividly imagined myself dying, crossing the threshold into the After Life and whatever Higher Power that exists sitting me down in a chair and asking me to describe my life to them. In full colorful detail I would do so, proud of myself maybe or unsure, however the end was the same---this mighty, wise, strong Higher Power would listen and then shake its head when I was done. Then, they would proceed to pull out this map and tell me how I overlooked my purpose at certain turns, how I didn't truly live my life...even though I had been alive and eventually died.

I can laugh at this idea now, lol, but at the time it was like some sort of reality check. Could I be happy with the idea, or even the reality if that was to really happen, that I had lived my life and missed out on what I was truly meant to do? The answer was an absolute no. Soon, I found myself thinking every day on what my purpose might be. What I may be meant to do.

It took me to join the military to fully realize and appreciate the fact that it's going to be art-related. Imagine that. I know for sure that revelation was definitely a GREAT moment.

What else about the future? I think a great moment I would like to experience in the future is when I fall in love. Not a summer love, or the fake kind, or the kind to a total idiot...but something lasting, strong, kind, and...I suppose what I could sum up as "wonderful". I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but I don't care. I think falling in love, or loving someone, is one of the greatest experiences in the world...and love is one of the greatest emotions in life. Why wouldn't I want that to be a great moment for me in the future?

So, so far I would like to have love, my purpose discovered, and I think in the end knowing I had an impact on others in some positive and even inspiring way. The impacting people would be awesome, never mind great :). Like I said before, in each great moment I've had in my life it was because of who I shared that time and moment with. I would like to think that some day when someone looks back on their life and discovers a great moment, I happen to be in the snapshot of that memory.

What about you? What are great moments you had in the past, and what are some great moments that you would like to experience in the future? Dream, wish, and hope...none of these things are ever done in vain.

Me at 20, Bday was 9/25

So…people have been asking me how it feels to be 20 and I swear if someone does it again I am going to scream. It really boggles my mind how people seem to fail to realize that age is simply a label and for me…it isn’t something that I can necessarily “feel”. I still feel like myself but I know that I am different from the person I was a week ago, and of course since when I was 19 or 18 and so on. But, since people have been asking so much I figured I would make an entry and try to explain how I do feel now and how my Birthday went.

For starters, I am not very shy in saying that I truly was not looking forward to my Bday. No, my age had nothing to do with it, I am proud to be 20 and I am proud to live my life and see another day. Even when I am 50 I won’t hesitate in telling people my age because I know not everyone lives to be that old, and growing old is something I look forward to. I think it’s a moment in a person’s life that should happen gracefully and it’s a time of distinction. It should be celebrated, not feared. Anyway, the reason I didn’t look forward to my Bday was because for the past couple of weeks prior to it I had felt like things were changing, and changing rather fast. The way I imagined myself turning 20 was completely not what I expected when I was 18.

I don’t know…back then I thought I would be a normal college student trying to engrave my name in the world, living on campus and having the independent single life I wanted to have. And yet, here I am…20 years old and about to leave home in December and be on my own in the military. Lol, I think it is safe to say that until I made my choice about the Air Force a few months ago I never saw it coming. And it’s not just the military…there was someone in my life who I held incredibly close to my heart that I thought would be around and they are not, which…is heartbreaking, and yeah I was a little sad (okay maybe more than a little lol), but I still had a good birthday.

It’s just…like I said: Change. Well, changes, and it felt like everything was happening so fast.

I still wonder about school and what I should major in. It’s something that stressed me out until I spoke with my parents about it last night, because I didn’t want to leave home, join the military, and not go to school. In short I didn’t want them to think I was being lazy or a slacker. But the thing is that…when I took the time to think about my life and how I wanted to live, yes school is important to me and it always will be, but…I couldn’t help but feel that all I wanted to do in my life right now is work and just indulge in things that I find interesting and fascinating. And when I thought about things in that way I honestly felt bad.

The thing is that, I have many gifts and talents. Most of the things I am capable of doing I was never taught or told how to do, I could just do it. I was never taught how to write stories or poems. I was never taught how to draw cartoons, portraits, and the human anatomy; or how to take pictures. I was taught how to paint, how to play the flute, how to play basketball, and the fact that my brain can handle all of this and still desire to learn more scares me at times.

In 8^th grade teachers said that I was a “Renaissance woman” which…at the time I found to be a great compliment but as I got older, I began to worry how I would find a place for myself in the world. I was used to being misunderstood, called “different”, but I wasn’t exactly used to feeling exactly that way…different and that maybe I was out of place in the world. I began to feel that I should be like a lot of people and focus on one thing and just do one thing and stick with one thing.

It wasn’t until I thought that way when I truly felt the walls closing in on me. In my mind I see the world and life as this endless course of possibilities and experiences and I want to see it all, learn as much as I can about everything, and just…live. I’ve never been in a box my entire life and even now I can’t quite understand why I tried to force myself into one. I guess because I was scared I didn’t or couldn’t find a place to belong. But, after talking to my parents the only thing I want to do is be me. I find it incredibly foreign to be anything else but what I am, and I shouldn’t have to be.

Yes, my birthday was full of sweets and ice cream and dinner, but there were many more meaningful moments. My mother made a toast to me, just the two of us at 8:44 PM (the time I was born 20 years ago) and said how proud she was of me and that she loved me. That moment was very touching and I’ll always remember it. Then she went into telling me that she had to fight to keep me, because three or four times she had to go to the hospital because I was almost delivered too early and I would’ve died if I was. So, I guess even before I was born I had an enthusiasm for life lol. And over dinner with my parents my dad made a toast to me as well, and when it was my turn to speak I told them everything I just typed above. My worries, my fears, my sadness over losing a friend…my feelings of not finding my place to belong…

And when I told them how, for right now, I didn’t want to go directly into school but just explore life and the world, I wasn’t quite sure how they would respond.

The beauty about my parents is that they have never tried to control me or my life, nor have they ever put too many demands on me; or try to make me live how they wanted me to. I haven’t grown up with too much pressure from my parents or expectations that are impossible to reach. The most pressure I’ve ever felt or come to know has been from me. My parents have always been loving and understanding, and patient.

So when I told them about school, I was so nervous I almost started laughing when they said that if that was how I felt then that was okay. And they began to point out that it was hard to think of their daughter being lazy when I had gone to college before and was now leaving home to take on a dutiful job assigned to me by the United States Air Force. Then they said that my military job could be my career, if I wanted for it to be---and I honestly never saw things like that.

They said that they understood I wanted to be in school and I wanted to get a degree, but... if I wanted to take time off from that, it was more than okay and understandable. They both agreed that I was heading toward a mutual goal shared by most of my peers, but I was taking my own path to achieve it. They also believe that it is adult students who make the best students, which again I didn’t really consider. Basically in the end they told me to live my life and when I was ready to go back to school, once I decided on a major and what I wanted, to do it.

Go for it, they said.

It was such…a huge weight lifted from my shoulders to hear them say that to me and to know that they genuinely meant it. It helped me see things more clearly and come to a realization that even if my life isn’t straight and narrow (when life rarely ever is), I am still on the right path, or at least heading in the right direction. When I tell people my deepest fear is that I won’t find my purpose or do what I am meant to do in life, I mean it. Even my parents had a response to that! Lol, that if I am meant to do something then I will.

As far as my diverse interests that cross the board in art such as drawing, painting, writing, photography, the flute, and a new desire to study the piano among many other things…my parents simply said I’m in a position where I can explore and see what I like and there is nothing wrong with that. In my mind I thought there was because I was worried about trying so many things that I would miss out on the thing that I am meant to do. Now I can’t help but wonder if my parents are right…that whatever it is I am meant to do, if I don’t find it then it will find me and I will be able to do it.

They have told me countless times to not try to live my life in one day. I can’t count the number of times my mom has told me: Elizabeth, stop riding your own ass. Lol, gee thanks mom :P…but I know she’s right. Like I said before, the pressure that I deal with the most is the pressure that I put upon myself. I know that everything isn’t perfect and just because I try so hard doesn’t guarantee that what I want to happen will happen…but still, doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t try. Just means that I need to take it a step at a time, a day at a time and be patient. I need to be patient especially with myself.

So…when I think of what people have asked me as far as how I feel to be 20 years old I honestly haven’t been given much time to think about it. It’s only day 2 (technically day 1 depending on your perspective) lol…but, as of now I feel like I want to explore, that I am ready to explore. I feel like even though I know myself pretty well right now, perhaps even better than most people know themselves who are my age or were once my age, I have so much more growing and maturing to do. I think the best way to put it is that…I’m still adjusting to my own skin and constantly discovering new layers that I was not even aware existed.

Being me and being human I think is largely about growth and acceptance, not just of others but yourself. I am still learning how to do that. I am still learning how to grow and accept myself and appreciate what all I have to offer and what journey my life has taken thus far. I’m starting to see more clearly that I should not be afraid of doing what I feel is right for me or care about how other people may feel or what they might say. There’s something that my mother always told me that…when she first said it I started laughing because I didn’t think she knew how to cuss (but I was clearly mistaken lol) and what she said was:

“Elizabeth. I am going to tell you something that I learned years ago…Life is too short for the bullshit.”

And the thing is…I agree lol. But, it’s something that I am starting to better understand. When people say “life is short”, I understand that, much better than I did when I was 16 or 17. In my eyes, life is too short for hurt, pain, regrets, lies, drama, the concerns of what other people may think…but at the same time it is long enough to express joy, laughter, love, yourself and the things that are good and make life worth experiencing.

So, as of right now standing in the doorway of 20, looking down the hall towards 21…all I feel right now is that I want to be me. I want to learn, I want to grow. I want to live. Standing here now and thinking of my life in the past, I know that there isn’t any other place I’d rather be. I wouldn’t change anything.

Besides, I can't help but wonder where and who I would be if I did.

Personality Typ: INFP, The Healer

I have taken personality quizzes before in my Psychology class in High School, online for fun, but I always end up with the result as "INFP". INFP means "Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving". Some websites call INFPs "Dreamers", "Idealists", and in this case with the quiz I took they are called "Healers". INFPs only make up 1% of the general population, which is why I can only assume I hardly meet other people who are so closely related to me in thought processes and emotional feelings and expressions. I have met one other INFP, and strangely enough...that one person was my Psychology teacher in High School lol, and she told me that she was not surprised I was an INFP as well. Since then, I haven't met any others to my knowledge (but it isn't as though all of my friends take personality quizzes or its something you discuss with strangers lol).

Again, this quiz was for fun, I still want to take an actual Personality Test like the Meyers-Briggs and see what my result will be, whether it is different or not. All I have done is taken numerous quizzes online, in high school, and done more research on all of the personality types. INFP is what I typically fall under and seem to be best described as, from my childhood to teenage years, how I view my job and the work I do, and how INFPs view life as a whole.

This is the result I got on the quiz I took:

Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test...

INFP - the Healer

You scored 27% I to E, 11% N to S, 14% F to T, and 53% J to P!

You are more introverted than extroverted. You are more intuitive than observant, you are more feeling based than thinking based, and you prefer to go with the flow rather than having a plan. Your type can best be summarized by the word "Healer", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. You have a capacity for caring that is deeper than most. You strive for unity, are fascinated by the battles between good and evil, and can be something of an idealist. Only 1% of the population shares your type.

As a romantic partner, you are usually supprtive and nuturing, however, you have a high need for individuality. Harmony is extremely important to you as you are very affected by conflict and tension, which also makes you resist confronting your partner directly about problems. When you get angry, you usually blame yourself, rather than your partner. You can also be stubborn and unyielding when you feel you are being criticized or mistreated. You feel the most appreciated when your partner listens to you carefully. You need to be understood. You need to hear your partner express their feelings, the more often, the better.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)

Your type summary: INFP

Take The LONG Scientific Personality Test at HelloQuizzy

If you want to learn more about personality types, just Google it and research it, and try to determine what you may be. It's all interesting and you may be surprised as to what you find or learn.

And, if you would like to take the same test I did, go here:

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=92078349437&h=vgcpM&u=t_NtV&ref=nf

Dream of a Broken Heart, or Was It?

This morning I had a dream that felt extremely weird and for the first time was literally a dream within a dream. What I mean is that, literally I was dreaming (in my sleep), but in that dream I was dreaming. I woke up twice altogether, the first time being in the dream, and the second time I woke up in my room to face reality.

So, I know it sounds confusing and I am honestly not sure how to type this so I don’t confuse anyone but I will do my best. To give some insight the dream was about a guy I have known for almost 3 years. We met online and have never met in person. Distance for him is a problem, and for me, not so much. Over the past month or so I could feel myself developing romantic feelings that I wanted to express openly or more freely, but was scared to do so because I did not want to push him away or create something awkward between us. He thinks it is not possible to love someone without having met them, and for me, while I agree...I believe it depends on the situation and what it all entails. So instead of telling him how I felt, I began to pull myself away emotionally because I knew what I wanted to happen would not. For the sake of some privacy, I’ll keep his name unknown, but refer to him as..."C", the first initial of his name.

Okay, now for the dream:

The dream began with me somehow receiving news or hearing news that C was going to be leaving. Or perhaps it was intuition, I cannot quite recall. But, I had the distinct knowledge that he was going to leave and the idea frightened me and I needed to know that he was still there. I remember running down the street late at night and to this apartment building and I somehow saw C through the window. He was standing in the center of the living room, slightly turned away from me and he was staring at this digital alarm clock on a small table beside the couch. He was looking at the time. I opened the window by sliding it up and I carefully crawled into the room and as I did C turned to look at me. He was quiet for a moment and he only watched me as I walked closer.

"You’re still here," I said, and while I felt relieved I almost felt...like it was too good to be true. I almost expected him to be gone.

"Of course I’m still here," he replied, slightly confused, but he almost sounded sad. I wrapped my arms around him then and hugged him as if I never wanted to let him go. He held me and we didn’t say anything else.

That night we slept in the same bed (we didn’t have sex or anything) but when I woke up he was gone. The bed, the room, the apartment...he was utterly and completely gone. All that remained of his presence was a poem that he had written and left on the pillow. (In real life C is a writer as well as deep and philosophical thinker). In the dream, I could read every line of the poem, but when I woke up all I remembered was him talking about time, how things change, and how the bus had to "go, go, go..."

I started to cry, well, sob rather. I am not a very emotional person in reality, even though I feel a lot, I don’t cry often. I’ve been heartbroken before and even then I didn’t cry despite the hollow feeling I felt. However, in the dream I felt a pain that was almost unbearable and with each sob, my body shook and spasmed, my tears soaking the blankets and sheets. Everywhere I went, all I did was cry. I cried as I walked, in the shower, and it seemed like it wouldn’t stop. Even when I woke up, I awoke with a numb feeling and tears in my eyes as if I had been crying for hours.

I awoke from that dream while I was crying into my other dream.

I was lying in bed, staring at my ceiling and it was morning. I realized that the situation of me losing C was only a dream and I was okay. I wasn’t sobbing and I wasn’t heartbroken. I felt however I needed to be sure and I left my house in search of C, feeling like I needed to find him and tell him how I felt. I needed to tell him that I loved him.

As I was running, I found him walking towards the Post Office. In the back of my mind I wondered, "What the hell is he doing here?" but I was too excited to see him to pay it much thought. I called his name and he turned to me and smiled some, asking what I was doing.

Like in my previous dream I said, "You’re still here."

He laughed a little and said, "Of course I am. What’s wrong?"

I then told him that I had a dream about him, and I explained the dream to him. He only looked at me and said, "Well, I wouldn’t leave you."

And that is when I told him, "I left out something in my dream. In the dream I had told you that I loved you, and you left. That is why you left. You left because I told you how I felt."

C only nodded and looked away from me, but I took his face in both of my hands and brought his gaze back to mine. "But, I do love you, C," I murmured, "I do. I love you."

I wasn’t sure how I expected him to react, whether he would run away or tell me not to feel such things, but when he said that he loved me too and passionately kissed me, I was not complaining. We left the Post Office then and spent the entire day together. We went back to my house and cooked together. I remember that while I was standing in the kitchen by the counter, I heard my mother’s voice. Whether she was in the house, or her voice was in my mind as a memory, I do not know...but it sounded distant, and clear. She was wishing me well and told me "to be blessed".


That is when I finally woke up, and I was in my room, in my bed...with a thin layer of tears in my eyes and a throbbing in my head as if I had been crying. I had woken up with a half-choking gasp and I felt lightheaded, as if I had been under water for too long, or some place deep. It took me a while to realize that everything that had happened, everything I had experienced was nothing but...a dream.

And, crazily enough. For the third time, I sought C out, but this time by a phone call. Everything seemed so real, I had to hear his voice and see if he was there, and tell him my dream. I was still trying to catch my breath when he answered, and it was only until I heard his voice that I felt stupid. Was I really going to tell this guy about my dream in which I had spilled my guts out to him?

But I did. He listened quietly, but near the end when I told him that I said I had loved him, he interrupted me to ask, "When you said you loved me, in what way did you mean that?" I already knew by the time the conversation was over, whatever romantic scenario I dreamed about would not form to actually exist.

When I was done talking about my dream, C said to me, "Okay, Liz...I am going to ask you again...how do you feel about me?" He had asked me this before, and each time I had made my feelings seem smaller than what they were, because I knew him. I knew our views on intimacy, love, and emotions differed---that he needed physical touch and not distance, and I could adapt to situations if my feelings were deep enough, but it isn’t the same for him.

After a pause, I told him the truth and said, "I believe that I am falling in love with you."

Immediately, he asked me, "How?" and began to analyze how our thought processes differed and that love doesn’t develop over distance.

So, I explained that because of our differences I had been withdrawing myself emotionally. Getting back to the dream, he said that maybe I had two dreams because I had been thinking about the topic a lot, it had been on my mind and took more of my attention in the form of a dream.

Either way, I do not know. I had never experienced something like that before, and it shook me a bit. In the first dream, I lost him. In the second, I had him. Then once I awoke, in reality...well, nothing happened. In a way I lost him because I had to let go of my romantic ideals, which is fine, life goes on I know. I’m still just trying to make more sense of the dream and how real it was.

Maybe I Want

So I have met different men
Some of them my enemy and some of them my friend
But many lessons were learned in the end
I have never been loved is what I realized then.

Oh sure I have heard the words
For they are easy to speak
I have been given gifts that seemed more like charity
And I have been kissed, held, and caressed
But how does that prove love at its sacred best?

These men who said and did these things are not bad people
They are good in their own way, but...not quite my equal.
No, for I was always held in a place I did not want to be
I was on a pedestal and redeemed as "unique"
Maybe all I wanted was to be seen just for me...
Maybe I want a man who can stand beside me.

I never did think much about this, but I do now
I think about what would make a man stand out from the crowd
So that I am drawn in and know that he is for real
And it will be safe for me to feel what I feel

I have felt many things from past relationships
I have experienced many emotions, but I am tired of it
I am tired of the games, the lies, the immaturity
Maybe I want a man who can truly lead
Maybe I want so many different things

Maybe I want to be in love in the true and whole sense
Maybe I want to love and forget the consequence
Maybe I want to feel all there is feel
Maybe I want something that doesn't seem real...

Maybe I want...oh, I don't know...
Something that shakes me to my core
Maybe I want that type of love people spend their whole life
Searching and waiting for
Maybe I want something that does not exist...
Maybe...but I cannot stop longing for this

Maybe I want to be with someone who makes me laugh
Maybe I want someone who will hold me when I feel sad
Maybe I want someone who shows that they care
Maybe I want someone who I know will always be there.

Maybe I want someone who is open and lets me in their world
Maybe I want a man who wants the woman, and not the little girl
Maybe I want the reflection of me
The same spirit and kindness that is plain to see

Maybe I want to grow and be able to share myself
Maybe I want to meet a man who makes me not want anyone else
Maybe I want love that is patient, kind, and true
Maybe I want the love that says, "I am glad I found you."

Maybe I want to feel connected
Maybe I want to be in love where I cannot second guess it
Maybe I want to see only the future, he and I...
Maybe I want to hold him and tell my past, "Good-bye".

Maybe I want the man who fights to have me
The same man who always fights to keep me
Maybe I want a man who would be honored to be with me
Maybe I want a man who would feel hollow if he lost me...

Maybe I want a man who will love me forever and ever
And ever and ever
And ever promise
To never
Let the feeling fade...
Maybe I want a man who will cherish me most, and not let us slip away...

Maybe I want the unthinkable dream...
Maybe I want something that makes me demanding...
But, it is not what it seems
Maybe I just want what I need.

Maybe I want to be wanted by somebody
Maybe I want to be loved by somebody.
Maybe I want someone to knock me off my feet
Maybe I want someone who inspires me.

Maybe I want someone who brings out my best
Maybe I want...to finally be impressed.

Maybe I am tired of always being wrong
Maybe I want the right man to finally come along
Maybe I want to give all that I have to give
Maybe I want to promise to love and never lie, mislead, or deceive

Maybe, just maybe...I want a man to love me.

~ede
2-27-2009

The Circle of Life

So, it may be a little overdue in writing this but I have been either too tired or lazy to take the time and share. The events I am about to write about have happened this past Monday, February 16, 2009---all in one day. Please keep that in mind, it all happened on the same day.

Before I start, either Saturday or Sunday (the 14th or 15th) I contacted one of my exs. Usually I do so, it is not abnormal for me. I feel that just because a relationship ends does not mean an ex cannot be a friend. Since none of my exs were horrible people (though one was horribly confused and impossible to be around), I don't see why not. So, typically, once I break up with someone and after time passes I may contact them just to see how things are going. The only person I am unsure that will happen with is my most recent ex, but you never know. So before Monday occurs, I am reconnected with an ex. And before my ex I am reconnected with an old friend a week or two before who I haven't talked to in a little over a year.

On Monday, I believe that the theme was "who ever I once knew or was connected to at one point came back into my life all at once". And I do not know why. I did not ask for this, pray for this, hope it would happen. It just did. Monday morning, I woke up and felt fantastic for the day. I go to work like usual, help customers, make people smile, it's a normal day. The first person who walks into my job is an old friend I used to talk to named Arjang who is from Iran. We haven't talked in months. So to see him and his mother caught me a little off guard, but it was nice to see him regardless. A couple of hours pass and the second person who walks into my job, who I was not expecting was my birth father. He and I have not seen one another for 5 years, but the moment I saw him I knew it was him because he did not look that much any different. His presence shook me up and I felt like my knees would buckle under me. It was scary to me how much we looked alike. All at once, everyone seemed to fade out, and my mind began to ask a thousand questions as to how he found me, why he was there, what did he want, what do I say, and so on.

I did ask him why he was there, but he never told me. As to how he found me...I am still a bit unsure. However, this past Christmas, a few days after I had called him---only to tell him that I forgave him for everything and that I was alright. I didn't want him to think that just because we were not talking I hated him or had bitter feelings, because I did not. Even then he tried to get me to see him and I told him it was a bad idea. It was meant to be a phone call, nothing more. So during our conversations as we talked he asked me what I was doing with my life, and I told him where I worked, but I don't know if my job is the only location in my town or not.

Anyway, I take his order, and he leaves, but not before he says, "You're very kind. Thank you."---which I did not quite understand. So, the day has gotten to me enough as it is and when I go home I am more than ready to relax. But, once I get there an ex from my past contacts me, an ex who...I was shocked I would hear from because I thought for sure he would never want to speak to me again---on something I had done in the past. Well, we talk and before I know it he is taking the blame for things, apologizing, saying how he never forgot me, and then confesses his love to me. The whole time I am hardly breathing, my mouth is hanging open, and I am trying to make sense of everything.

Even though I had moved on with my life, gotten over my mistakes and his anguish because of something I had done, I had moved on believing this man hated me. Believing that he wanted nothing to do with me, would never want anything to do with me again, and that our lives would part and we would never cross paths. I never knew I could be so wrong, because here he was, on the phone spilling his guts out about how much he adored me, loved me, how sorry he was that he did not take the time to understand, and so on. How do you respond to that? In the end, we agree to talk every so often and be friends, but it was still so WEIRD.

After that happens, when I think EVERYTHING is over and my day can finally be normal, I get online, go to Facebook to see that an old best friend from high school has contacted me! Okay, so I am at the point where I am almost through. When I saw my birth father, in my mind it was like a storybook moment. When my ex contacted me it was more like a soap opera. After that...I was waiting for the Twilight Zone music to play, or for the cameras to come out and someone say, "Liz, you have just been punkd!" I mean, seriously, who does all this stuff happen to in ONE day?

So now, I am left to ponder and ask myself: Why?

I did not reach out to these people---except for the one ex who I feel right now it is okay to try and be friends with and my other friend. But my father, my ex who said that he loves me, my old hs best friend...why are they here? I talked to a friend about it and he say that maybe this is a sign that I need these people or that they need me, or it is nature's way telling me that I need closure and I am not over my past. Or, he said, maybe it is just life's way of giving me something different to spice up my life.

My mom said it may be all of that, but why are these people coming back? In regards to my father, she said maybe he feels guilt that he lost me, a good daughter. In regards to my old best friend, maybe she feels guilt that she lost a good friend. Maybe my ex, I don't know. He pretty much spelled it out that he regretted letting me go and not working things out, even if it was something I brought on. My other ex, the one I am friends with, my mom thought that maybe I inspired him to change and be better---which he said was true.

What does a person call this?

Fate, destiny, divine intervention (and if so, from what?)? A friend of mine said it was deja vu, but that is incorrect. Deja vu, by definition, is basically experiencing the similarity of a situation that feels familiar even though it is taking place for the first time, the illusion of having previously experienced something. I did not feel that "hm, I think I've been here before" feeling, because I had not (this situation was entirely new to me). I felt this, "what the hell is going on?" feeling, because I knew, for me it was so unexpected.

Even still, I don't know. I don't think it's coincidence. I've always believed if something happens, it's for a reason. I may not know what reason at the time, but I end up learning or figuring it out later on. Monday was just too weird and too strange for these occurrences to be a coincidence. I talked to my College Mentor about it, and he does not know what to say. All he said was that these were deep and intense relationships that were reappearing again in my life, which is true. He said he has a friend named Alex, who is also a College Mentor, and she is a very spiritual person who believes in the stars and that invisible hands are always moving things...divine forces...which excited me.

In the end, later this week all three of us are going to talk about this and see what it may mean and I will be sure to post a blog about that as well. I know it will make a great conversation.

I think what has happened is interesting, strange, but interesting none the less. I just want to know how other people see this. I don't want to read too much into it or seem crazy, but I truly believe this all happened for a reason, and I am treading carefully...I just want to know what it all means.